Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
