can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
