um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
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There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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