Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
