chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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