She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
