Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
