saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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