can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
