I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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