you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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