Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
