Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
