He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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