he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
