i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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