I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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