Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
