How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just invented taco cereal.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
