My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
