I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
