yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
