maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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