I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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