What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
