Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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