i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
