You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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