Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
