First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
