farters have to be the big spoon...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
