I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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