Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
