while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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