drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
