hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
