i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
