I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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