it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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