Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
