apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
