dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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