tell your sister to shave her snatch
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
