I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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