I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
