My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
