i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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