Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
