i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
