A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Less talking, more tequila
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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