she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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