Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
