im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
