I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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