my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
