I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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