I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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